July 2008

Dreamfall: The Longest Journey
Submitted Wednesday, July 23, 2008 - 2:37:16 AM by Klaitu

So, Goldberry recommended this one to me, so I decided to check it out. It's a somewhat older game, released for the original Xbox and for Windows.

First impressions are the style of the game. I played the PC version which handled modern-day resolutions very well. Despite the technology being several years old, the game looks crisp and sharp. Actually, this game looks a lot better than other games made more recently.

A major component of this game is carried by the visual style, and Dreamfall excels at that. The locations are all very well decorated, and highly detailed.. and the lighting in this game is simply superb.

Overall, the graphics themselves are not impressive.. it's how they chose to use those assets that is unique.

On the audio end of things, Dreamfall features mostly competant voice actors, but nobody you've ever heard of before. The musical score is above average, but is muted and not given much attention.

The actual game portion is, as best as I can describe, an interactive story.. this turns out to be Dreamfall's best and worst feature.

On the plus side, everything in this game is super polished to exacting detail. Problem is, you play this game on a rail, never deviating from the story that is going on. It has puzzles that are not particularly difficult, and combat, which is not particularly fun.

More than any other game, you might think of Dreamfall as a movie in which you walk from scene to scene, and the game does most of the work for you. Of course, the game doesn't really claim to be action-packed, so it's not out of place.

The plot, which is the thing that Dreamfall depends on, is pretty involved. It has a lot of twists and turns and mysteries that are spelled out to you as you go along.

Unfortunately, the ending to this game is in failure. I don't want to spoil the mystery, but suffice to say that you don't complete any of the objectives that you set out to complete at the first of the story. In fact, you fail all of the objectives.

Which is apparently okay, because the story is on rails and you can't change the outcome of anything.

Dreamfall is a game that has a lot of promise. I would have liked to have seen multiple solutions to some of the puzzles. I would like to see multiple endings here based on what actions I take.. heck, I would like to see different thinga happen if I choose different conversation trees... but it's not to be had, Dreamfall is absolutely locked in.

Dreamfall is actually a lot line Indigo Prophecy. Compelling at first and thought provoking, with action sequences that don't quite make sense, and a plot ending that needs a lot of work.

And actually, I'd give the edge to indigo prophecy here because it offers multiple solutions to puzzles.

So, worth 50 bucks? No way, but if you can find it in the bargain bin for like 10 bucks, It's definately worth your time.

Overall Score: 7 of 10

You can check this link if you want to compare it to Indigo Prophecy:

http://ds180.net/specialkbin/viewnews.pl?id=EEFpZFkuuEBTJQMhGj&style=Default+News+Style&tmpl=viewnews



Yay! Captain Picard Day!
Submitted Sunday, July 20, 2008 - 6:05:30 AM by Klaitu

Yes, I am aware that Special K is becoming more like Star Trek: The Blog.. but it's taking me forever to watch everything Star Trek.

Yes, I've dedicated myself to watching all Star Trek that has been put on video. After all, when do you ever have a chance to do it?

Today I celebrated Captain Picard Day.


Oh uh...Yes it's a... it's it's for the children. I'm a.. I'm a role model.


Captain Picard Day is one of the many reasons why Star Trek is better than Star Wars or Stargate. Don't believe me? I have proof.

Make it so!


Happy Picard Day, everyone!



Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Submitted Friday, July 18, 2008 - 11:17:41 PM by Klaitu

Yeah, so I've exhausted all other Star Trek and I'm left with the movies, so I thought I would take a look at them again no matter how painful.

Truth be told I have the entire set of "special edition remastered" Star Trek movies that I just never really got around to watching.. so that's what I've been doing.

Everyone who knows Science Fiction has probably seen Star Trek The Motion Picture. This is the first Star Trek movie that came around back in 1979. This means I was 1 years old when it came out.

We all know the story, the mysterious V'Ger probe threatens Earth, and only the Enterprise is in the way. I won't go into details here.

Star Trek TMP tries to be like 2001: A Space Odyssey. It takes a long time to get anywhere, and invites you to take a look around at the scenes.. and why not? Say what you will about the plot, but the movie is brilliantly put together from a technical standpoint.

Even today, nearly 30 years later the movie still retains its crispness. The special effects don't even seem dated, and in this respect, TMP actually achieves it's goal of being like 2001.

The Special Edition restores some scenes that were cut from the original release, and also adds some special effects that were planned, but could not be accomplished back in 1979. The creators of the new effects even went so far as to add film grain from the original film in order to match the effects up.

Overall, you can't really fiz the flaws of TMP, but the film looks great, and that weird, abstract "journey into the cloud" scene looks better than ever. I mean, maybe it doesn't make sense in the movie, but it would make an awesome screensaver.

Another thing to note here is the Original Soundtrack, which is rock solid. The main theme of this movie was so well done that it became the theme song for The Next Generation. There really are no mistakes here. In fact, I would go so far as to say the music is the most Star Trek of all the films.

If even works in part of "Beyond the Rim of Star Light" (thei original TOS theme) which is lacking in all other Trek soundtracks.

So, it's not the best Trek movie, but it sure does look great, and it's got that great epic feel.

Overall Score: 7 of 10



Age of Conan
Submitted Thursday, July 10, 2008 - 2:39:21 PM by Klaitu

Thanks to the philanthropy of an old buddy I used to play SWG with, I've been able to check out Funcom's Age of Conan..

What can I really say about an MMO that you haven't heard before? We've all played them, and they're basically the same thing.. except each one has it's own little quirks.

Age of Conan's quirk is the combat system, which is simply marvelous. Instead of using moves to perform more damage faster, you now have to choose moves based on the stance of your enemy, and where he is defending. This actually requires some brain power, and for an mmo, makes it feel like a hack and slash game.

The art style and music fit perfectly in the Conan world. It's probably the "most realistic" style of the "big three" MMO's at the moment.

The new player experience is very detailed, and I have to say Funcom earned a lot of respect in its designed. I realized the uniqueness of it as I was rushing down an ERUPTING VOLCANO in an MMO. This is something I haven't done in an MMO before.

Perhaps my favorite aspect of AoC is that quests are in cutscenes.. sort of like Freelancer or Mass Effect. This is a genius idea that prevents me from having to read pages of dialogue in a tiny box, as all the dialogue is spoken.

Speaking of quests, they all put an X on the map where the objective is. No more nad quest directions! (I'm looking at you, Turbine!)

Unfortunately, AOC is mortal. It's suffering from the prerelease blues. It's lacking many features that should already be in, and it has a lot of bugs. For instance, your character is supposed to walk in some cutscenes, but he actually just slides.

The servers are also somewhat buggy, they often fritz out and disconnect you.

Another missing feature is Directx 10 support. I'm told they are working on it.

All in all, Age of Conan looks like it will one day shape into a great game to play, as opposed to merely an alright game. LOTRO still has the edge in graphics and reliability, though.

If you're looking for a change of pace, try Age of Conan. It's enough like WoW that you can understand the basics, but it's different enough to be something completely new.

Overall Score: 8 of 10

Oh, and I guess I should say something about the M rating. It probably has something to do with people's heads coming off, arms coming off, and blood spewing all over the camera.

It may also have something to do with the naked cartoon women... I was suprised that most of the female players were actually clothed. I expected them all to go running around topless, you know, since they are all men playing them.



Hancock
Submitted Thursday, July 10, 2008 - 2:22:53 PM by Klaitu

Black Superhero: The Movie?

It certainly seems that way at first. Will Smith, flying through the air like superman, except he's hungover with a big bottle of malt liquor in one hand. Actually, this first part seems like it was written by Dave Chapelle.

Woman: I can smell that alcohol on your breath
Hancock: That's because I been drinkin, bitch!

I've heard a lot of reviews say "I liked the first half, but the second half was crap".. and I can understand what they mean now.

In the beginning, the movie is all about Hancock reforming his slovenly superhero ways. The second part of the movie has to do with his origins. The two stories do not blend well together, in fact, the junction of the two stories is somewhat jarring and not entertaining at all.

I won't spoil it all for you, you should go see it. It's worth seeing. Certainly better than I Robot.

I will say one thing though: the white woman really IS the black man's kryptonite in this movie!

Overall Score: 7 of 10



The Warren
Submitted Thursday, July 10, 2008 - 2:11:14 PM by Klaitu

I know a lot of you folks out there in readerland don't live near me, so this review isn't going to mean much to you.

Anyways. Here in Oklahoma City, we've had some stiff competition over the years for our Theater dollar. In the beginning, we had AMC and General Cinema. Of the two, General Cinema was clearly superior. They featured Digital projection and sound..

But General Cinema went out of busines, or was bought out or something, and they disappeared. Their facilities were replaced by something called Hollywood theatres. Hollywood was even worse than AMC was.

Then, suddenly, AMC got it's act together, and made a big theater here called AMC 24, which featured stadium seating, and the latest in surround sound.. and for a time, it was good.

Around the same time, Cinemark moved into town and created a competing theater called Tinseltown.

A few years later, Harkins Theatres moved in and created their contribution, the Cine-Capri. The competition was good for a time as these 3 movie giants attempted to seduce the populace.

And then something happened. I call it the "movie drought". That was the period a few years ago when, suddenly, there were no good movies. You remember, it's those years when you wanted to go to the movies, but everything sucked. You know, like Daddy Day Care.

With ticket prices here being almost 10 bucks for a regular showing, people just started downloading the crappy movies that were mildly interesting to them, but not worth 10 bucks.

Then, the movie industry freaked out. "OMG" they said "People aren't going to see our crappy movies" and they blamed it on downloaders.. but the real problem was that they weren't producing anything worth watching.

The bottom line for the theater situation here was that AMC and Cinemark.. the companies with 24 screen theatres cut back on their services. Gone now were surround sound, any semblance of digital projection.. employees at teh locations dropped to the point where there was no pimple-faced boy to scrub that sticky stuff from the floor. Bad movies were projected to empty theatres.

Sure, the box office has 15 booths to buy tickets, but there's only one guy in there now, and he's bored.

Harkins Cine-Capri is the only place in town with the right idea. It's the only place in town that has surround sound in the theater.

Enter: The Warren

Carson took me to the Warren to see Hancock (more on that later) and I have to say, I was very impressed. It's ruined me now. I think I could handle the cine-capri.. but AMC, Cinemark.. I don't think I could take that.

The Warren features THX certified theatres, which means that they have been designed by a THX engineer for maximum accoustics. The warren features full digital projection, so there are no wavy lines or bad splices between the reels. It is literally like watching a blu-ray disc on an enormous movie screen.

The standard in movies today is "stadium seating" which The Warren also uses, but the seats are unlike any I have ever seen before in a theater. They don't fold up. They don't need to, there is plenty of space. The chairs are so far apart that you don't have to worry about that kid kickin your back, his legs will never, ever reach.

The armrests are the width of 3 "normal" armrests and feature a cupholder that could hold anything you threw at it. You could probably fit a big-gulp in there.

Oh, but that's not all. The Warren features an adults-only balcony, where a small table is thrown into the mix. This is the route that Carson and I went.. and it's the only time I've ever been carded, which was a fascinating experience unto itself.

After presenting our tickets to the usher (who was actually wearing users gloves) the usher took us to our seats.. literally walked us to them. He can do that because seats in the balcony are assigned like airplane seats.

Anyways, once you're sitting up in the balcony, your armrest has a little button that calls a waitress-like person who takes your order. As it turns out they have a full-featured restaurant in the theater too, and you can get anything from the menu you want, including alcohol.. no doubt this is why I was carded.

To illustrate, Carson hooked up with a giant mug of beer and a plate of cheese sticks.. which were brought to him with minimal disturbance by the friendly waitress...

Which brings me to another thing.. The Warren probably has 8 or 9 box office booths, every one of which was attended by a human being.. and every single one of them was busy with a customer, but there was no line.

In all, we interacted with 5 employees of the place, which is a record number for me. I'm used to only interacting with the ticket-inspector guy.

Oh, and to top it all off, it's cheaper than AMC or Cinemark. Regular seats are 7 bucks. Balcony is 12. No wonder they're cleaning up.

The Warren has apparently been around for some time, I've just never been to it because it's almost 30 miles away from my house on the other side of town. I'm glad that Carson introduced me to it. It just goes to show, you never know what awesome stuff might be lurking nearby.

Heck, maybe there's a Warren near you. If there is, I encourage you to check it out.



Overclocking as a Pasttime
Submitted Tuesday, July 8, 2008 - 2:11:02 PM by Klaitu

Overclocking is the process of taking your normal computer hardware, let's say your CPU, and forcing it to work faster than it was designed to.

Overclocking has a cost, the main one being heat. All CPU's generate heat, and are designed to tolerate a certain amount of heat. Go beyond that and you start to have problems.

It's not just CPU's, you can overclock video cards and memory and all sorts of things.

At face value, the reason for overclocking seems simple: get more performance out of your existing parts.. but overclocking is actually not about that at all.

If you're extremely good at overclocking, you may improve your game performance by 10 FPS. Even if you have devised a clever way to cool all that extra heat, you risk breaking your equipment because you are pushing it past what it was designed to do.

So, since there is no real benefit to overclocking, and it proves to be expensive.. why do people do it? Well, here's my theory:

1. They percieve a performance benefit when it is actually inconsequential.

2. They want to compete with other people to see who can "overclock the most"

3. They have a great deal of disposable income.

Certainly, everyone is free to do what they like with their own computer. Myself, I'm not going to explode my 600 buck video card for 10 fps. Especially when I am already doing 80 and my screen can only display 60 anyway.



Robo-Boogie
Submitted Monday, July 7, 2008 - 1:28:52 PM by Klaitu

This could, quite possibly, sneak into your subconscious and cause nightmares.



Seriously, who does this? I mean.. How many hours did they spend programming this.. and why?

People have been known to say that I don't "use my time wisely". What can we say about this guy?

I'm particularly disturbed that animatronic bears want to "make love in this club". It's really quite disturbing in this sort of.. twisted 80's way.



The Best and Worst of Star Trek: The Movies
Submitted Monday, July 7, 2008 - 12:44:50 AM by Klaitu

There are presently 10 Star Trek movies, and another one on the way. I'm not going to do a 5/5 setup, rather a 3/3 setup here, because there's just not enough to go into.

The Best:

3. Star Trek Nemesis

Although Nemesis does have some plot issues, it still works as a great Star Trek movie.

On the planet Romulus, the government conspires to infiltrate the Federation with spies. They create a clone of Jean-Luc Picard.. but the situation changes, and the clone is no longer needed. Grown to a teenager, they put the boy in the mines, where he grows up to be a hardened leader of the Remans, the slaves of the Romulans. his name is Shinzon.

This cloning process is not complete, Shinzon needs chemicals from Picard's blood to continue surviving. He orchestrates a plan to capture Picard. He also wants revenge against Earth, and he's built a doomsday weapon aboard the most advanced warship ever created.

2. Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock

Following the events of Star Trek 2, Kirk and crew discover that due to the unusual way that the Genesis device works, there is a chance that Spock is not dead.. but Starfleet won't let Kirk rescue his friend.

So Kirk goes anyway. Along the way he's got to defeat the most powerful starship in the fleet, and steal the Enterprise for himself.

1. Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan

Wrath of Khan is the easily agreed upon favorite because it contains all of the essential Star Trek elements. Action, Adventure, Intelligent Storyline, and Morals.

Carol and David Marcus are creating the Genesis Device. It's a device that can turn a planet into a habitable paradise, but if it's used on an already habitable planet, it will destroy anything there and recreate it in whatever way it is programmed. This also makes it a terrible weapon.

Khan Noonian Singh finds out about the device and steals it. The only one that can stop him from using it is Kirk.. but even Kirk gets shut down by Khan, and it's only by Spock sacrificing his own life that the crew is able to prevail.

The Worst:

3. Star Trek Generations

This movie was supposed to unite Picard and Kirk. How awesome is that potential?

Unfortunately, they dropped the ball.

This movie has serious plot holes, to the point where it's almost painful to watch. It also features the death of Captain Kirk, which I will admit was excellently played by William Shatner, but ultimately could have been written better.

How does Kirk die? He falls off a bridge.

Aside from that there are other problems.. the main vilians are Lursa and B'Etor, the Itchy and Scratchy of Star Trek villians. Picard's nemesis is Malcolm McDowell.

2. Star Trek: Insurrection

A Starfleet Admiral breaks the prime directive by attempting to relocate a primitive people because he believe their planet contains a fountain of youth.. and Picard is the only one who can stop him!

I can quantify and list the problems with this movie:

- Riker controls the enterprise with a computer joystick.

- The line "Have you noticed your boobs are firming up?" is uttered twice.

- Data utters the line "in the case of an emergency, I can be used as a floatation device"

- Worf and Picard subdue Data by singing a musical.

I could go on, but I think you get my point.

1. Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier

William Shatner tried to star and direct this movie. You could argue that both parts suffered for it.

A crazy vulcan hijacks the Enterprise and uses it to go to the center of the galaxy, where he believes God lives.

Turns out that it's an alien prison and s strange energy-beam alien lives there and wants to escape.

Although Star Trek 5 is not as terrible as the best Voyager episode, it's still pretty bad. The fact that Kirk only walks onto the bridge twice is a bad sign in itself.

The Star Trek Movies are at least, usually entertaining. Funny thing about them, "age" is the most common theme among them.

The motion picture - Captain Decker is considered to young and inexperienced for the mission.

ST2: Kirk feels old, everyone comments on how old he is. It's his birthday, and he's getting older.

ST3: The Enterprise is going to be retired because it is getting old.

ST5: The crew is getting old, they're about to retire. McCoy's age convicts him and he gets put in jail. The Enterprise itself is old and is decommissioned.

Generations: Soren is old, Picard is old. Picards family dies, he is too old to start a new one.

Insurrection: Old people looking for the fountain of youth.

I guess I don't get it myself.



The Best and Worst of Trek: Enterprise
Submitted Monday, July 7, 2008 - 12:15:00 AM by Klaitu

Enterprise was, to date, the most recent Star Trek series. Also, the only one to be filmed digitally in 16:9 aspect ratio.

Enterprise got cut short after only 4 seasons (it was planned for 7). The show wasn't pulling the ratings of previous shows, thanks primarily to Voyager's dismantling of the audience. When the United Paramount Network retooled to appeal to women, the show got canned.

It's important to note that in season 4, the producers split the show into 3 episode arcs so that they could get more value out of the setpieces. The show was trying to save money as it was barely renewed for season 4.

The BEST of Enterprise:

5. North Star

North Star is a good episode, but it isn't hard science fiction like most of Star Trek. North Star takes an idea from the Original Series and puts the crew in a western setting.

In the 19th century, aliens raided Earth and abducted some cowboys and rancher-types to be their slaves. The aliens didn't remove their primitive Earth weapons, and the humans revolted. They destroyed the alien technology and were stranded on the alien planet.

The Enterprise discovers the planet and is suprised to find humans on it. They infiltrate the population with costumes, and discover the story of the people on the planet. It's up to Archer to bring them up to speed on what happened to humanity.

I listed this episode at number 5 because it's just neat seeing cowboys get phasered.

4. Carpenter Street

Archer and T'Pol travel back in time in order to stop Xindi agents who are building a biological weapon on Earth in the past.

The episode doesn't have much to offer in the way of dramatic plot, but it does feature Archer hacking an ATM machine with a hand scanner, and ordering food at a fast food restaurant, which is amusing.

3. Similitude

Commander Tucker is gravely injured. The only thing that can save him is a tissue transplant, but the only compatible tissue can come from the Commander himself.

Archer and Phlox create a clone of Tucker, who is accelerated so he grows up in a matter of days. He retains all of Tucker's memories, and acts exactly the same as Tucker would. Eventually, he realizes that he was created for the express purpose of dying.. initially he resists, but later allows the transplant to take place after Archer reveals that he has no choice.

The episode begins and ends with Commander Tucker watching his own funeral.

This is probably the only episode of Enterprise that approaches the quality of writing in DS9's The Visitor or TNG's The Inner Light.

2. The Forge / Awakening / Kir'Shara

This arc deals with the Vulcans being misguided, and revolves around the discovery of the Kir'Shara, an ancient writing by Surak, the Vulcan who originated their logic philosophy.

This episode also kills off Admiral Forrest, and as a result you get to see the friendship of Ambassador Soval, who had previously appeared as antagonistic. It was a brilliant character development for him.

1. Babel One / United / The Aenar

The Enterprise is assigned to take a Tellarite delegation to meed with the Andorians. The two races have been warring for a long time, and Earth wants to establish itself as a fairminded planet in international affairs.

Meanwhile, a mysterious ship is attacking both sides. It can camoflage itself as anything it wants, so it's trying to provoke both sides into war. As it turns out, this ship is Romulan.

Captain Archer unites the two seperate factions in a task force to locate the mysterious ship and destroy it.

This arc is my number 1 choice because it finally gets to what Star Trek Enterprise was supposed to do: tell prequel stories. For the longest time on Enterprise, they just sort of fiddled around telling Voyager stories.

The Worst of Enterprise:

5. Unexpected

Commander Tucker (a man) is made pregnant by aliens.

Do I really need to get more into this?

4. Exile

Beauty and the Beast on an alien planet.

Pass.

3. Two Days and Two Nights

The crew discovers Risa, a vacation planet. They take a vacation. Romance ensues, but the woman is a spy.

You know, the usual.

2. Shadows of P'Jem

Archer and T'Pol are captured in a war-torn solar system. They spend a lot of time in a cell rubbing up against one another trying to break free. Eventually they do.

This epsiode is a cookie cutter plot: crewmembers captured, starship crew tries to save them, third party comes in with bad rescue plan, crew on planet effect self-release.

This one also has a ratings stunt where Archer falls into T'Pol's cleavage. It was part of the producers attempt to give Star Trek "sex appeal".

1. Cogenitor

The show gets preachy when a race that has 3 sexes visits the Enterprise. Male, Female, and Cogenitor. The Cogenitors are considered to be nothing more than facilitators of reproduction, and have no civil rights.

Trip interferes and teaches the Cogenitor. The cogenitor realizes it can never lead a free life and commits suicide.

Cogenitor isn't as bad as the best Voyager episode, but it still doesn't make a lot of sense. What is the episode trying to convey?



The Best and Worst of Star Trek: Voyager
Submitted Sunday, July 6, 2008 - 10:20:40 PM by Klaitu

Voyager is personally my least favorite Star Trek series out of all 5 incarnations. I believe it took Star Trek in the wrong direction. With stories that were ridiculous.. acting that wasn't particularly stellar, and a crew with little, if any chemistry. Voyager took audiences to "light and fluffy" stories and ignored the thing which makes Star Trek great: storytelling.

The BEST of Voyager:

5. Pathfinder

Set primarily on Earth, members of The Next Generation crew attempt to communicate with Voyager. Specifically, Reginald Barclay (a reoccurring TNG character) and Deanna Troi (the ship's counselor).

Barclay becomes obsessed with the Voyager disappearance and a crazy haywire scheme to communicate with the distant starship. People start to think Barclay is going nuts, but it turns out that he's right the entire time, and he is able to establish brief contact with Voyager.

This episode is great if for no other reason that it takes a recurring TNG character to rescue every single one of the Voyager main cast characters.

4. Blink of an Eye

The crew discoverd a planet which is caught in an accelerated temporal field. When they try to orbit the planet, the Voyager gets stuck. Meanwhile, down on the surface, the inhabitants progress from cavemen, to stone age, to bronxe age.. all the way until they reach the space age, and they launch a rocket to Voyager.

The crew explains the problem, and the spacemen go back down. The society progresses to beyond the science of the Federation and helps the ship escape.

Once again, huge plot holes and technical errors, particularly regarding the time displacement. Still, it's pretty neat to see a civilization progress in fast forward from orbit.

3. Future's End (both parts)

Captain Braxton from the 29th century suddenly appears in his timeship, the USS Aeon. It attacks Voyager, but Voyager fights back. They both fall into a time rift that deposits the timeship in 1960's earth, and puts Voyager in 1996 Earth.

They beam down in disguise as "present day humans" and locate Captain Braxton, who is now 30 years older. Braxton explains to them that everyone is caught in a temporal causality loop, and that Braxton has caused a predestination paradox.

You see, Braxton's timeship was stolen by Henry Starling, an evil Bill Gates type character, who plans to use the timeship to go into the future, steal technology, and come back. The timeship is damaged, so when he does this, it will result in an explosion that destroys the entire solar system.

The Captain Braxton that lives in the 29th century will see the explosion and find parts from the timeship and from Voyager leftover after the explosion. He will travel back in time to stop Voyager, which leads to his timeship crashing and the whole thing starts over again.

Meanwhile Tom Paris and Tuvok run around with comedian Sarah Silverman, who is somehow an astronomer.

In the end, the paradox that "can't be stopped" is stopped, and an alternate Captain Braxton arrives to put Voyager back in the right time.

The episode is somewhat amusing to see the crew deal with modern-day earthlings. Like all Voyager episodes, it has plot holes you can drive a bus through. Still, for a Voyager episode, far above average.

2. Friendship One

At this point in time, Voyager has brief contact with Earth. Starfleet orders Voyager to locate a space probe called Friendship One, one of the earliest space probes to be sent out after warp drive was invented.

The probe contained instructions on how to build warp drives. It landed on a planet, where they tried to build the warp drive, but they blew themselves up. When Voyager arrives to retrieve the probe, the remaining inhabitants are pretty angry.

Even though this episode has plot problems, and the acting isn't carried through very well, you can see the generally good presmise of the story shining through. It's a story about artificially advancing the technology of a culture, and the dangers of doing so.

Unfortunately, this planet is located at least 50,000 light years away from Earth, and the probe can only be doing warp 1. This means the probe could only have travelled about 300 light years. Whoops!

It's not like this is technical information, they include the dialogue into the episode.

1. Dreadnought

The crew encounters a missile controlled by a hyper-intelligent tactical computer that Torres programmed. The missile is malfunctioning and is locked onto an innocent planet.

This episode pales in comparison to the number 1 entries for TOS, TNG, and DS9. This episode won no awards, and is generally not regarded as a fan favorite.

This episode gets my choice for number 1 because it isn't acted terribly, and only contains 3 plot holes.

The WORST of Voyager.

5. Year of Hell

This is a 2 part episode. Voyager is exploring a part of space where the resident aliens have invented a death star. Yep, a death star, except they don't call it that.

The Death Star laser beam, instead of blowing stuff up, it erases it from existance, and then everything else in the timeline adjusts around it

Voyager is not from this region, so it is pretty much unaffected by the changes in the timeline.. but it's screwing up the Death Star captain's plans, so he insists on destroying Voyager.

Confusing? Don't worry, because it takes them 2 episodes, but they destroy the death star, the act of which reverts everything to the beginning. Meaning those 2 episodes never happened.

Horrible, just horrible.

4. Tinker Tenor Doctor Spy

The EMH is a good example of a character that started off interesting, but was plowed into the ground by horrible writing.

This episode features the EMH performing opera. While this happens in over a dozen episodes, I only have 5 slots for "worst of" so this episode shall represent all doctor opera episodes.

This episode also includes the "Emergency Command Hologram" which is the equivalent of turning C-3PO into a Jedi, or turning Tony Soprano into a toymaker.

The plot? It's a direct rip of Galaxy Quest. Aliens think the Doctor is a hero, but he's not, but he pretends to be anyway. In fact, this is one of the many episodes of Voyager that are based on movies that you've seen to death.

3. Endgame

Star Trek finales are traditionally not very good. TOS had Turnabout Intruder (a worst pick in my TNG article). TNG had All Good Things, which was not good, but not the worst. DS9 seemed to have broken the curse.

Voyager, however, has the worst series finale ever.

Why did people watch Voyager? They wondered if Voyager would make it home. In the end, Voyager does make it home, but you don't get to see it.

Yep, they copped out. The finale is a 2 hour episode about Borg and time travel.. and it's all quite stupid, but even forgiving all that, Voyager's return to Earth happens within the last 45 seconds of the series.

It goes like this:

"Welcome Home"
(cut to shot of Voyager with other starfleet ships)
(credit roll)

Epic Ending Failure.

2. Threshold

Warp 10 is impossible. It represents infinite speed, and nothing travels at infinite speed.. except Tom Paris!

Not only does the crew stranded in the Delta Quadrant develop an engine that can go Warp 10 (which the trilions of people in the Federation cound never figure out) they are able to install it into a shuttlecraft that ordinarily can only go warp 4.

So, what's going Warp 10 like? Does that mean Voyager can get home faster? Nope. Apparently going Warp 10 causes humans to de-evolve into strange looking pink-skinned, warm blooded lizards! No, Seriously, look:



This episode is so bad that it is the only Star Trek episode to be de-canonized. The writer, Brannon Braga admitted that "It's the worst thing I have written, ever." A sentiment I can agree with.

Ironically, the episode won an emmy award for outstanding makeup. How embarassing.

1. Equinox

A Starfleet Captain decides to kill aliens and use their carcasses as fuel for his engines in an attempt to escape the Delta Quadrant.

This episode made Gene Roddenberry spin in his grave. In fact, this episode is proof that zombies are fiction, because Gene Roddenberry would have risen up, busted out of his coffin, and eaten Rick Berman's brain.. and then spit it out, because even zombies require some level of quality in their food.

This episode vomits all over Star Trek rule number 1: Starfleet Captains are morally conscious people.

Even the renegate Captain Benjamin Maxwell who prosecuted an illegal war against the Cardassians (TNG: The Wounded) was morally conscious, as the Cardassians actually were planning for war in that episode.

You know, I kind of like the concept for Voyager.. stranded far from home, nowhere to turn.. but the Star Trek producers just phoned it in. Didn't they know the kind of crap they were producing when they did it? Where was the quality control?

It turns out the 3 best Star Trek writers got assigned to Deep Space 9, where the clueless writers were put on Voyager. When DS9 was over, and the DS9 writers tried to fix Voyager, the producers would have none of it. So Star Trek lost all of its good writers.

Voyager was the beginning of the end for Star Trek. We lived with bad stories for so long that while we realized Voyager sucked, we didn't remember how good DS9 and TNG were. What a shame, and what a pitiful legacy to leave.



The Best and Worst of Trek: DS9
Submitted Saturday, July 5, 2008 - 2:53:57 AM by Klaitu

You know, Deep Space 9 is one of the most overlooked Star Treks. I don't know why that is for sure. In my opinion, Deep Space 9 rivals The Next Generation for quality storytelling. I don't want to say that DS9 is better, but it certainly gives TNG a run for it's money.

DS9 is harder than TNG.. and other sci-fi series like Stargate, but it's lighter than Battlestar Galactica.

If you haven't seen DS9, I hope you'll check it out. For this one, I will add the episode numbers so if you want to rent them on netflix or blockbuster online, you can do that more easily.

The Best:

5. The Quickening - Season 4 Episode 24

Dr. Bashir and Jadzia Dax encounter a planet where everyone has contracted a genetically engineered disease which has no cure.

The people on the planet have turned into refugees, their society has crumbled and it now revolves around the disease.

The disease is initially painless and doesn't do much, escept cause skin discoloration. When the discolorations turn bright red, the patient has about 2 days to live, during which time they will experience tremendous agony as their organs are destroyed. It strikes people of all genders, all ages, but it is specific only to people who are native to the planet.

Bashir and Dax set out to study the disease. They set up a makeshift clinic and start examining people and providing care to them. They are shocked to learn that the scanners and instruments they use to study the disease causes it to activate. They inadvertantly kill everyone in their clinic.

Bashir continues to look for a cure using old-fashioned methods like chemistry. At tne end of the episode, he is still unable to find a cure.

The Quickening is cool because it doesn't have a happy ending. In Star Trek, you can usually expect that the problem presented in the first part of the episode will be resolved in a later part.. but this one isn't. In fact, the disease is never cured in any Star Trek incarnation.

I like it because it shows that with all that fantastic Star Trek technology, there are still limits to what the characters can do.

4. Trials and Tribble-ations - Season 5 Episode 6

A Klingon spy steals a device which sends he and the DS9 crew back in time, where the spy plans on killing Captain Kirk.

Yep, you read right. This episode was produced for the 30th anniversary of Star Trek, and it features the crew interacting with the original series crew as they appeared in "The Trouble with Tribbles" (TOS Season 2 Episode 13).

The production staff used technology and methods developed for Forrest Gump to insert new actors into the old footage from the original episode. The result is an interesting blend of the two stories that fits perfectly without contradicting the original TOS episode.

This is a great example of what can happen when the show producers pay close attention to detail. It would have been easy for them to create a contradiction.

As a side note: Walter Koenig, who played Chekov in the Original Series noted that he was paid 7 times more for this episode (in which his stock footage was used) than he did for actually appearing in the original episode.

3. The Siege of AR-558 - Season 7 Episode 8

The crew is sent to deliver supplies to a force of Starfleet Marines who are holding a strategically important communications station on an otherwise unimportant planet.

When they arrive they discover that most of the marines have been killed, and the only thinh keeping them from being overrun is that the enemy still thinks there are a lot of troops. Sisko decides to stay and defend the communications relay with the marines.

With the crew on this mission are Nog, a young Ensign fresh out of the Starfleet Academy, and Quark, a bartender who has been asked to take a look at the war for his people. Quark is Nog's uncle.

Quark is not a soldier, so he is apalled at the wartime conditions. He tries to convince Nog to quit Starfleet and go home where it's safe.. but Nog won't hear any of it. Nog feels like he is defending his home and his people by being out with Starfleet.

Sisko sends Nog and some others out on a mission to find the enemy base.. which he does, but he steps on a mine that blows one of his legs off in the process.

In the meantime, the enemy creates the illusion that they are storming our heroes position.. but it's just a fake-out, and now they know that there's not many people left to defend it.

The doctor patches up Nog, who must lay still until he can be taken to a hospital. Quark stays with Nog, Nog still feels like he did the right thing. Quark makes a speech about how only barbaric races go around killing one another.

The Dominion start to attack the outpost, but the marines cut them down. A few of the enemy soldiers are able to make it through into the compound. The make it to the medical area, where Nog is incapicatated and Ouark is forced to shoot the enemy soldiers to defend him.

In the end, the crew prevails and the Dominion are pushed back.. this time. The old marines and the crew are replaced with a fresh set of marines, and the process starts all over again.

AR-558 is a great episode, because it gets to the nitty-gritty of actual warfare. This episode, and the general portrayal of the war through the series is a lot more "gritty" than the sillier fare of wars in shows like Stargate SG-1 and Atlantis.

This episode also guest stars Bill Mumy, who you might recognize as Lennier from Babylon 5.

2. In the Pale Moonlight - Season 6 Episode 19

At this time in the DS9 series, the Federation is at war against the Dominion. The Dominion is very far away from the Federation, so they wage war primarily though allying themselves with nations that are closer to the Federstion. The most notable of these being the Cardassians.

Everyone knows the big races of Star Trek. The Federation, the Klingons, and the Romulans. The Federation and Klingons are united against the Dominion. The Romulans have decided to remain neutral.

Every friday, Sisko watches the casualty lists come in. He reads the list looking for friends, and there's not a friday that goes where he doesn't recognize at least one name on the list.

This friday, Sisko gets more bad news, the Dominion has conquered Betazed (Betazed is the home of Counselor Troi in TNG, it's also close to Earth). Sisko gets fed up with the war, and decides to bring the Romulans in as the Federation's allies.

He enlists the help of Garak, a tailor on the station who is a retired Cardassian spy. Garak has been exiled from his home, and is not happy with his people siding with the Dominion. Garak agrees to help.

They come up with a plan: arrange a secret meeting with a Romulan government official and provide him proof that the Dominion is planning to invade Romulus. There's only one problem.. the Dominion really isn't planning to invade Romulus.

Garak and Sisko hire criminal experts to create forged evidence of the invasion. The work meticulously to make sure every detail is exactly perfect. They even record it on a special disk that only high-up government officials can use.

So, the Romulan ambassador comes aboard the station for the secret meeting, they show him the evidence.. but the ambassador remains unconvinced. He wants to examine the disk to make sure it's legitimate.. so they let him. The Romulans determine that the disk is a forgery, and they plan to go back to their government and tell them exactly what the Federation tried to do.

The Romulan ambassador leaves the station, but just a few hours later, his ship mysteriously explodes. Sisko goes to Garak and demands to know if he had anything to do with the murder of the ambassador.

Garak explains that the Romulans will examine the wreckage and find the disk. They'll discover the records showing the invasion of Romulus and conclude that they are legitimate, and that the Dominion blew up his ship. Any signs of forgery will be attributed to damage in the explosion.

Can Sisko live with the knowledge of what he's just done? He's killed innocent people and committed their entire race to a bloody war based on a lie.

Pale Moonlight is one of the darker episodes of Trek, and it's absolutely fantastic. It takes an upstanding starfleet hero captain guy, and it breaks him down without destroying his character. The episode shines because it shows just what can happen.. even to heroic, virtuous Star Trek characters when push comes to shove.

1. The Visitor - Season 4 Episode 3

It seems like every Star Trek Episode has a "wow factor" episode that stands out above the rest. This is Deep Space 9's. TV guide viewers voted this the single best episode of all Star Trek series. I don't know that I would go that far, but I can't argue with that assessment.

The wormhole is about to do something science-y. It only does this once every 50 years, so the heroic crew want to take readings on it to better understand how the wormhole works, so they take out their ship, the Defiant.

The science-thing happens, and it causes the ship to shake. It causes a problem with the ship's engines.. Sisko tries to fix the problem. Also aboard is Jake, who was dragged along so that he could experience the phenomenon. Jake helps Sisko fix the engines.

Suddenly a spark of energy jumps from the engines and vaporizes Sisko, it shocks Jake and throws him across the room. The crew is shaken by the loss of their Captain, Jake is pretty much beside himself.

Over the next year or so, Jake sees visions of his dad. He thinks he's going crazy, but one time he reaches out and actually touches the vision. He alerts the crew who also can see and interact with Sisko. They put him in a science lab and try to figure out what's happening, but Sisko disappears again.

Several years later, the Klingons take over the sector where Deep Space 9 is, and Jake is forced to move back to Earth. He always keeps an ear out for news of his dad reappearing on the station, but never hears of anything.

Jake marries, and becomes a respected author. He even gets himself a pretty nice house.. and then one day, when Jake is maybe 35 or so, Sisko appears in his living room. For Sisko, no time has passed since he last appeared. Sisko calls to Starfleet for assistance, but it's too late, Sisko disappears.

Jake becomes obsessed with finding his father, he stops writing and goes to school, learning all about the science-y stuff that caused his dad to disappear. It takes him years, but he earns a Doctorate. In the process he loses his wife. Time passes, and now the Wormhole is about to do its thing again, 50 years have passed.

Jake reunites some of the old crew and they go and visit the wormhole. They aren't able to rescue Sisko, but Jake gets pulled into wherever Sisko goes when he disappears. Jake desperately tries to communicate with the crew so that they can be rescued.. but the experiment shuts down, and Jake once again ends up on the floor of the engine room.

Jake spends years trying to figure out what went wrong, and by the time he does, he's a frail old man. He's calculated what day that Sisko will reappear again.. and sure enough, he does, right on time.

Jake explains to Sisko that they're connected.. sort of like a rubber band. Jake moves through time, and every so often, the rubber band catapults Sisko into Jake's time, but Sisko is stuck at the moment of the accident. In order for Sisko to get unstuck, Jake has to stop moving when the two are together.

Jake has poisoned himself, and when he dies, Sisko springs back to the moment of the accident and is able to avoid the electric discharge that got him the first time.

I don't know what I can say about The Visitor, except that my description doesn't do it justice. The episode is absolutely perfect in every way.

Now, DS9 is "usually good" but there were a few stinkers that squeaked in.

The worst of DS9:

5. Rejoined

You might recall the Original Series episode "Plato's Stepchildren" which featured the first interracial kiss on TV. However, Plato's Stepchildren sucked as a Star Trek episode, and Rejoined has this exact same problem.

The entire episode was orchestrated to show two women kissing on TV.

Rejoined isn't about homosexuality, any more than Plato's Stepchildren was about interracial couples. The whole thing was a ratings stunt that didn't have the plotline to back up the penultimate moment.

The plot here is that the Dax Symbiont and the Khan Symbiont (two Trill symbiotes) are in love with one another, and they just happen to be in the bodies of two women.

Rejoined tries to hide that the entire point is the same-sex kiss, but even the plot shines a spotlight on it.

The effect is the same thing many movies do. "We can make CGI tornadoes, let's make a movie about Tornadoes.. its okay, we dont need a plot". Same thing here. "We can make two women kiss on screen, let's do that.. forget the plot"

I can sum up my most basic complaint this way: This episode would have sucked even if it were a man and a woman kissing.

And just to be clear, in terms of Star Trek Lesbian Kisses, there was a better one in "The Emperor's New Cloak" which worked much better when it wasn't the focus of the entire plot.

4. Image in the Sand

Sisko keeps dreaming about his mother buried in a desert. So he goes to the desert and digs her up, except it's not his mother, it's an alien artifact.

Oh, and just to make it weird, he keeps dreaming he's in a 1950's insane asylum.

3. Move Along Home

Quark accidentally traps 4 crewmembers in an alien board game which is a cross between Jumanji and chutes and ladders.

The crew is forced to, among other things, do hopscotch.

I mean, I'll grant that this sounds like the plot from an original series episode, but do we really have to go there?

2. The Muse

An alien literally sucks the creative juices out of Jakes brain as he writes a novel. It's implied that she also sucked the creative juices of John Keats (the famous author)

I'll let Ronald D. Moore, one of the producers of this episode explain why it sucks so bad:

the notion of this exotic, beautiful, older woman who comes to you and gets excited by watching you write is like the most ridiculous idea! Only a writer would come up with that.

Think of it. You're sitting there writing and she's just entranced. We watched that scene in dailies and we thought, are we insane? What are we doing? How did we get here?


1. Dramatis Personae

The crew goes crazy for no reason and starts to conspire against one another.. Sisko is obsessed with clocks. The problem goes away at the end of the episode.

Snooze.



The Best and Worst of Trek: TOS
Submitted Thursday, July 3, 2008 - 7:03:52 PM by Klaitu

First it was TNG, and now we're dealing with the original.. The Original Series..

So here we go, the top 5 BEST TOS Episodes:

5. The Ultimate Computer

Dr. Richard Daystrom has invented an entirely new form of computing.. multitronic computing. He's made a computer.. the M-5 computer. A computer capable of replacing the entire crew of a starship. The Enterprise is assigned to test the M-5 computer.

During the M-5 test, the machine malfunction and responds to simulated attacks with full force. It destroys 2 starships and kiills hundreds of people.. and Kirk isn't able to stop it.

As it turns out, the M-5 computer is a construct of a human brain, amplified by the many calculations of a computer. The brain in question? Dr. Richard Daystrom.

Daystrom has personality disorders, and those were carried over into the M-5 Computer and amplified by its calculations.

In the end, Kirk can't stop the computer, he reasons with the computer and convinces it that it has committed terrible crimes and deserves to die. The computer destroys itself in an attempt at redemption.

The Ultimate Computer is interesting because it examines the situation of workers being replaced by machines, and also forces Kirk to claim victory by a method other than shooting at stuff.

4. The Doomsday Machine

For a long time, the Doomsday Machine was held back because its story was more powerful than special effects could achieve at the time.

The Enterprise responds to a dustress call from the USS Constellation, a starship that is nearly identical to the Enterprise.

The Constellation has been thrashed, and the only man abord is its commander, Commodore Matt Decker.

The Conetellation encountered a machine known as the doomsday machine, a space ship which destroys everything it encounters. It is fuelled by destroying planets, and consuming the leftover chunks. Its hull is inpenetrable, it has no crew. All it does is consume.

The Constellation tried to fight the Doomsday Machine, but the Machine kicked it's butt. The Constellation limped to a nearby star system, with its life support failing, the crew took refuge on one of the planets.. but the Doomsday Machine followed them, and Matt Decker was forced to watch from orbit as the doomsday machine dissected the planet and killed his crew.

Distraught, Decker steals one of the Enterprise Shuttles and rigs its engines to explode. He flies right into the mouth of the Doomsday Machine and explodes.. but the machine remains unaffected.

Spock, however, discovers that the explosion made the machine's power systems fluctuate. Kirk and he devise a plan to explode the unsalvageable Constellation in a similar manner.

The Doomsday Machine is an example of what makes Star Trek great. It's got action, but it's got a solid plot as well. This episode is one of those defining stories of what makes Star Trek what it is.

3. Space Seed

In the world of Star Trek, Earth developed genetic engineering in the 1970's and 1980's. Experiments were conducted on humans. Through Selective Breeding and Genetic Engineering, "supermen" were created. The Genetically Enhanced humans were 5 times stronger then ordinary people, had heightened senses, and superior intelligence on average. They were called Augments.

In the early 1990's, the Augments rose up, and took control of more than a quarter of Earth. The most prominent among them was Khan Noonian Singh. Khan controlled all of Asia and the Middle East. Other Augments controlled 45 different other nations.

Nobody really knows what happened next, except that the Eugenics Wars broke out.. a devastating conflict that deposed the Augments, and eventually would lead to World War 3.

One by one the supermen were overthrown, the last holdout was Khan. When enemy forces invaded his stronghold, they couldn't find him. In total 84 different Augments were unaccounted for at the end of the Eugenics Wars.

As it turns out, Khan and his followers escaped into space, aboard a sleeper ship.. the best space travel techology that the 1990's had to offer. Their ship was called the S.S. Botany Bay.

200 some years later, the Enterprise encounters the SS Botany Bay, but records from the Eugenics wars are incomplete and fragmented. The crew doesn't know that they've discovered Khan, nor do they know that he is an Augment.. until Khan and his supermen take over the Enterprise.

With the help of Spock and Crew, Kirk escapes his captors and floods most of the ship with knock-out gas. Khan, however, tracks down Kirk and they have an epic fistfight in Engineering.

Space Seed is Trek at it's finest. It's got a cerebral story, and some action in it too. Khan also whoops up pretty good on Kirk.. after all, he's 5 times stronger than our Captain. Kirk narrowly escapes getting his lights punched out.

Space Seed is also the first episode that establishes that in the Star Trek universe, genetic engineering of humans can't be done because the process turns them into arrogant tyrants.

2. Balance of Terror

A mysterious ship has been attacking Federation listening posts near the Romulan Neutral Zone. It can disappear without a trace, and it carries a weapon that can turn the strongest known metals into dust. There's only one ship close enough to investigate: The Enterprise.

Balance of Terror is an old fashioned Commander vs Commander duel of ships. Kirk vs the Romulan commander. It's this episode that first introduces the Romulans, and also this episode that establishes Kirk as the Starfleet's most talented Starship Captain.

The Romulan Commander has tested his weapon, and is planning to return home, but he is stopped at every turn by Kirk, who has an uncanny ability to be exactly where the Romulan Commander doesn't want him to be.

In the end, both captains slug it out, but Kirk proves victorious. The Romulan Commander is so impressed that he has to see Kirk face to face before he self-destructs his ship.. something that no Romulan Commander has ever done. It's the first time anyone from the Federation sees a Romulan.

Balance of Terror is reminiscent of a WW2 duel between a submarine and a surface ship. It's got a lot of adventure, action, and strategy. It's the perfect blend of Science Fiction and Action.

1. City on the Edge of Forever

Just like TNG's "The Inner Light" This is TOS's pick for "fan favorite" in most every list there is. The episode itself also had a lot of controversy attached, it was written by Harlan Ellison, and modified by the Star Trek producers. Ellison made a big stink out of it, and never worked on Star Trek again.

The Enterprise is exploring a new a turbulant region of space. On the bridge, Mr. Sulu is injured when a control panel sparks, and Dr. McCoy shows up to give him first aid.

The ship rocks again, and McCoy falls against his hypospray, which was filled with cordrazine. McCoy accidentally injects the whole thing into himself, causing him to go crazy and run amok.

Before anyone can catch up to what has happened, McCoy has beamed down to the planet below. Kirk and crew follow him down.

On the planet is a device called the Guardian of Forever, which can open a time portal to anywhere, anytime. McCoy has jumped through in his medicated state and somehow changed the past. The Enterprise is erased from existance due to changes in the timeline, and only the crew on the planet survives, protected from the changes by the Guardian of Forever.

Kirk and Spock travel to the past to stop McCoy from doing whatever it was he did. The only problem is they don't know what he did, and they don't know exactly when he did it. Kirk and Spock arrive in 1930's Earth some weeks before McCoy does (despite them leaving after McCoy). They get jobs, and try to live as normally as possible, waiting for McCoy to arrive, and otherwise trying to figure out what he might have changed.

Along the way, Kirk and Spock meet Edith Keeler, a social worker running a homeless shelter, and also a pivotal person in history. Kirk starts to fall in love with her.

As it turns out, Edith Keeler was hit by a car and killed in 1930, but McCoy saved her from the accident because she helped him out after he arrived. Edith Keeler was a peace demonstrator and Nazi Sympathizer. In 1936 she led a peace movement which delayed the US entry into World War 2. The Nazi's used the extra time to develop nuclear weapons, and conquered the world.. all because McCoy stopped a social worker from being hit by a car.

Eventually Kirk and Spock find McCoy at the penultimate moment, Edith sees them all together across the street and starts to cross. Kirk and McCoy see the car about to hit her, McCoy moves to save her, but Kirk holds him back. Edith Keeler dies, and the timeline is restored.

City on the Edge of Forever is plain and simple great storytelling. Like TNG's the Inner Light, it's an example of what great science fiction can be.

Of course, Star Trek wasn't always full of Harlan Ellison prose..

The top 5 WORST Star Trek TOS episodes:

5. Charlie X

Charlie X is about a 17 year old boy with god-like powers who runs around using them willy nilly. Captain Kirk spends most of the episode trying to spank him, except that Kirk knows if he gets too rough with Charlie, Charlie might just blow up the Enterprise.

Charlie is very much like Q, except Q had the Continuum making sure he didn't misuse his powers too badly.

4. Turnabout Intruder

A mad scientist exchanges minds with Captain Kirk. The mad scientist is a woman.

While it's somewhat comical to see William Shatner parading around like a gay man, what possible good can come of this?

The mad scientist is Janice Lester, who desperately wants to command a starship. She believes she was rejected because she's a woman (all the starship captains are men at this time) but it's actually becase she just sucks.

Lester in Kirk's body keeps making panicky, "woman decisions" which leads Spock and crew to suspect an impostor.

But it's okay, they don't have to do anything, because the transferrance effect only lasts for a limited amount of time. Kirk and Lester swap back regardless of any action taken by the crew.

How much more non-perilous can you get?

Coincidentally this the the last episode of the Original series. The entire final season had seriously bad episodes similar to Turnabout Intruder, including entries 3, 2, and 1 on this list.

3. Plato's Stepchildren

Plato's Stepchildren is one of the many TOS episodes which, for whatever reason, features Roman, Greek, or Nazi costumes.. but that alone doesn't put it on the worst list.

Insidious aliens with mind control powers who have been following the teachings of Plato force Captain Kirk to kiss Uhura!

You might recall that Kirk is a white dude, and Uhura is a black chick.

This episode was entirely created for the purpose of orchestrating an interracial kiss... That's not to say that the kiss was a bad thing, but that's not a whole episode of material. That's 5 seconds of screen time. They failed to do anything with the rest of the episode.

2. Spock's Brain

Ominous title, huh? The plot of this episode? Aliens steal Spock's Brain.

It's okay though, once Kirk and McCoy track down the aliens, they give it back.

Do I really need to write more about this epsiode?

Oh, also.. McCoy gives Spock a funny hat, which allows Spock's body to be remote controlled so they can take it with them when they search for his brain.



Nice hat, spock. Nice hat.

1. The Way to Eden

The Enterprise picks up a group of hippies that are totally on the way to Eden, man. Being square isn't the way to be, don't be a Herbert man, the man just wants to keep you down.

The planet Eden is, of course, mythical. It takes them what seems like forever to get there, too. Along the way, the hippie band jams with Spock. They also have the unfortunate tendency to insult everyone by calling them "a Herbert".

Don't believe me? Check out the lyrics to the Space Hippy song:
"Headin' out to Eden, yea, brother!"
"Headin' out to Eden, yea, brother!"
"No more trouble in my body or my mind."
"Gonna live like a king on whatever I find."
"Eat all the fruit and throw away the rind."
"Yea, brother!"
And no, the musical accompaniment does not help.

The oddest thing about The Way to Eden is that Star Trek has nothing to say about hippies.. I mean, they did racism episodes.. they did drug episodes.. They do a hippy episode, and nothing happens.

I do give this episode credit for one thing, though.. the space hippies die when they get to eden because the plant life there is acid-based. When they eat the fruit (which looks perfect) it kills them.



The Best and Worst of Trek: TNG
Submitted Thursday, July 3, 2008 - 5:52:37 AM by Klaitu

Yep, I'm on a Star Trek kick. Turns out they're still airing them on the TV if you look hard enough. For me, I grew up with Trek. I liked trek because it was cool, and it had spaceships and phasers and whatnot.

Now I still like it because of the spaceships and phasers, but now Trek for me is a bit more nostalgic. I get pretty excited when I catch an obscure episode that I don't remember the ending to, which is becoming progressively harder to do.

So, you'll have to bear with me as I wax nostalgic about one of my favorite shows. So, without further fanfare I give you the 5 best, and 5 worst episodes in the entire 7 seasons of The Next Generation!

The Best:

5. The Pegasus

One of Riker's first postings was aboard the USS Pegasus. The Pegasus was part of a top secret project to build a Cloaking Device. The Cloaking device is basically advanced stealth technology that makes a starship invisible to detection. The Federation is not allowed to develop or operate cloaking devices due to a treaty it has signed.

The USS Pegasus mission was obviously in violation of all that. When the crew discovered their top secret mission, they splintered into two factions and eventually mutinied. The Captain of Pegasus was in favor of the cloaking device. Most of the crew were against.

When the mutineers entered the bridge, Riker defended the captain, and they were both able to escape in an escape pod. Meanwhile, the USS Pegasus exploded due to unknown reasons.

Riker was a young guy at the time, and upon reflection, decided if he had to do it over again, he would be part of the mutiny. The Cloaking Devide is, after all, a violation of interstellar law.

As it turns out the Pegasus wasn't destroyed, but crashed into an asteroid near the Romulan border. The Pegasus captain, now an Admiral, is sent in to retrieve the illegal cloaking device so that the Romulans don't discover the treaty violation.

As Riker already knows about the cloaking device, he is enlisted to help the Admiral.. who also orders him not to reveal the true nature of the mission to anyone.

Picard knows there's something fishy going on, but Riker won't tell him. Riker again has to choose between following orders, and following what he believes in.

The Pegsus is a pretty simple story that's played with a lot of style. I added this one to my list, because it's a good episode, and it's a good episode that isn't a Data or Picard episode (as most TNG episodes are).

4. First Contact

Riker is sent to meet with a group of undercover agents who are on a planet that has not yet discovered that there is life on other worlds. The people on the planet are about to invent their own Warp Drives.

When a civilization reaches warp drive-level technology, starfleet sende teams like this to contact the planet and "ease them in" to discovering that their planet is but one small part of a multitude of other planets.

This particular planet is very traditional in their beliefs. They believe that their race is special, and that their planet is the center of the universe.

Riker and the first contact team are separated when a Riot breaks out, and Riker is severely injured. He's been surgically altered to look like the aliens, but when he's whisked away to a hospital for treatment, his human heritage is quickly found out.

Meanwhile, Picard contacts the head of the space program, and the leader of the planet. Both of these people are progressive, and while suspicious, they are not afraid of Picard. However, the rest of the president's cabinet see Picard and crew as invaders, a problem blown out of proportion by Riker's covert efforts.

In the end, Riker is rescued from the medical facility after being beaten by extremists, and framed by the security minister for a murder.

The Progressive president is forced to shut down the space program, and keep his planet isolated until he can educate his frightened and ignorant populace. He denies contact with the Federation.

First Contact is one of those great Trek episodes that examines humans through a different kind of metaphor. What if Earth were the alien planet, and some other species were Captain Picard? How would Earth compare to the planet in the story? Delicious sci-fi food for thought!

3. The Offspring

The android Data creates an android daughter. This is a unique event in that the secrets of android-building died with Data's creator. Data's daughter, named Lal is the first known android to be created since Data.

Starfleet is very interested in androids, because it can use them for technically demanding tasks in dangerous enviornments, where you wouldn't put people in danger.

Data himself was the subject of this controversy, but it was rules later that Data counts as a person, and so he has all the rights of any other person. This ruling, however, does not apply to Lal.

When Starfleet learns of Data's success at creating an android, they want to get their hands on it so they can study it and make more of them.. and of course, Data (and the rest of the crew) are opposed to this.

Just when you're all geared up for a big drama episode with a fight over android parental rights, Lal's brain malfunctions and she dies.. rendering the entire argument pointless.

What a Twist!

The entire crew mourns the loss of Lal.. and even the grumpy starfleet admiral who wanted to steal her away for study is touched.. but Ironically, Data is the only person on the ship who can't feel emotion, and is unaffected by her loss.

The Offspring is just plain old good writing. It's got an effective misdirect, and an awesome human commentary on what exactly it means to be human.

2. The Best of Both Worlds / Family

This is actually 3 contiguous episodes, but it shares the same plot.

Picard, the Captain of the Enterprise, and pretty much the most stand-up guy alive during his generation is abducted by the Borg. The Borg are an alien race who are part machine, and part organic. They reproduce by stealing organic beings (like Humans) and attaching mechanical devices to them. This process is called Assimilation.

After his abduction, Picard is assimilated. He exclaims that he will fight the Borg with his last breath, but it does no good, because resistance really is futile.

His cohorts on the Enterprise are powerless to stop the Borg, and unable to rescue Picard. The Borg are headed straight for Earth

Picard becomes Locutus, the voice of the Borg. Since he's assimilated, the Borg know everything he knows.. and since he's a Starfleet bigwig, he knows a lot. He attacks the Enterprise, and later attacks and destroys an entire fleet of ships, killing thousands of people.

Of course, the crew of the Enterprise are later able to rescue Picard, narrowly defeat the borg, and de-assimilate their Captain.. but Picard was conscious of what was going on during his entire stint as Locutus.

As the Enterprise is damaged, it has to layover at Earth (since it's there anyway) for repairs, so Picard takes the time to visit his childhood home, and his family.

Picard's brother is a traditional guy, shunning the use of most technology, but by no means Amish. He's been somewhat jealous of Picard over the years, as Picard has pretty much been an overachieving paragon of virtue for his entire life.

While on Earth, Picard considers leaving Starfleet and joining the Atlantis Project, an effort to create a new continent from the sea floor.

Picard doesn't really know how to deal with having killed thousands of people, or having turned over every military secret he knows to the enemy. His brother knows that something is up, and beats the crap out of Picard until he finally spills the beans about what happened to him.

With his brother's help, Picard finally decides to stick with Starfleet, because no matter what he chooses, it doesn't change the past.

Best of Both Worlds and Family is Star Trek's first 3-part episode. It's also one of the few episodes where a plot element carries over into an episode with a different title.

1. The Inner Light

If there were any one episode that would show up in just about every "fan favorites" list, it's The Inner Light. I hate to go with the crowd, but I can't disagree.

Picard gets beamed by an alien probe while on the bridge of the Enterprise, it renders him unconscious for about 20 minutes.

During that 20 minutes Picard lives another man's lifetime. He finds himself on an alien planet, and married to a woman he has never met nefore. Of course, he believes that he has been captured and tries to escape, but there's nowhere to go.. the planet he is on doesn't have space travel technology.

Picard mellows out over the years. He embraces his marriage, has children, joins the planet's government council, and even has grandchildren. Over the 3 decades or so he is on the planet, he's always struggling to learn how to play the flute, a favorite instrument of the natives.

Picard discovers that the planet is quickly becoming barren, and fewer and fewer crops will grow in the soil. He traces it back to the sun, which is in it's last stages and will soon expand and envelop the planet. He knows the planet is doomed, and spends his later years saddened that his grandchildren won't grow up.

One day, his family drags him from his home to witness the launching of a rocket.. a rocket containing a probe that in several thousand years will encounter the Enterprise, and Picard.

Picard wakes up from his unconscious state, the probe shuts down.. and when it is brought on board, it contains the flute that he taught himself to play.

The Inner Light is not only an example of a great Star Trek episode, it's a downright perfect example of what Science Fiction can be.

Of course, TNG wasn't all hits.

The WORST of Star Trek TNG:

5. Remember Me

Doctor Crusher is inadventantly caught in a static warp shell.

You nerds instantly know this episode. Lemme spell it out for you non-trekkers.

Doctor Crusher's son is boy genius Wesley Crusher, who is doing some fancy experiments with the engines which accidentally sends his mom into an alternate reality.. an artifcial alternate reality that will collapse and destroy her when his experiment ends.

The episod sucks because.. 1. Nobody cares about anyone named Crusher and 2. The plot makes absolutely no sense.

It's like if you fell overboard on a boat and landed in an exact replica of that boat, except that all the water was evaporating, and everyone on the boat kept disappearing. does that make any sense?

I rest my case.

4. Sub Rosa

It's a Star Trek episode based off an Anne Rice novel. If you don't know who Anne Rice is, you'll find her classified under "Horror/Erotica".

I don't think I really need to say more about it, but I will anyway. Dr. Crusher's relative has died, and she has inherited all her junk. Among that junk is a candle. A candle that a predatory seductive 19th-century-dressed studmuffin lives in.

You know, like a genie.. except the only wish he grants is fulfullment of tepid, uninteresting sexual advances!

Ooh, ooh, can Beverly Crusher muster up the willpower to smash the candle and destroy the studly-looking alien who is feeding off her biochemistry? Does anyone really care?

Turns out she can't. Not until that studmuffin attacks Picard! Love triangle to the rescue!

In the end, the episode is neither scary like horror, nor is it steamy.. like erotica. You'll find my classification of this story under "Horrible/Barftastica"

3. Man of the People

This one is about an ambassador who seduces women into grabbing his rocks.

No joke! He has these rocks in a special case. He sits at a table with the woman, and they touch the rocks together.

Why is this a big deal? It turns out that the rocks transfer his "darker thoughts" into the other person. For some reason, this causes the women to.. get old really fast. The effect remains until the target dies of old age, at which point the ambassador has to seduce another woman to grab his rocks and put his dark thought into...

This one sucks because it has the triple whammy:

- Troi episodes suck
- The plot makes no sense. How do "dark thoughts" make anyone old?
- There is no drama in Troi's "oh no, I am crying because I may never be young again" dilemma.

2. The Outrageous Okona

You know how I'm a Star Trek nerd? Well, I have a confession to make.

I have never made it through the entire episode of The outrageous Okona. I can't tell you the details of the plot, but what I can tell you is this:

Data tries to explore humor. Data has no emotions, so he will never understand humor. Data needs a comedian to help him understand humor..

Data programs a replica of JOE PISCOPO to help him tell jokes.. and let me tell you.. the holographic Joe Piscopo? SPOT ON representation of the actual Joe Piecopo.

There's more to the episode than that, but I just can't watch the whole thing. It's too horrible. It's the only episode of Star Trek that I haven't seen.

1. The Schzoid Man

A mad scientist has developed a way to digitize his thought patterns and store them in a computer. The mad scientist has a disease. The mad scientist encounters Data. He puts his digitzed brain patterns in Data, and steals his body.

This episode is horrible. It's horrible not only because it's a sci-fi staple, but also because it is acted poorly, produced poorly, and is generally lousy in every sense of the word.

But if you didn't like this one, don't worry, because Data gets taken over by just about everything. Here's a few things off the top of my head:

- nanites
- the psi 2000 virus
- An Iconian Probe
- The whacked out tribal computer of a long-dead race
- A homing beacon sent by his creator
- The loss of several of his memory engrams
- Emotions being beamed into him by Lore
- The slug creature that killed Tasha Yar
- The sand-brain thing from that terraforming episode
- The consciousness of a dead criminal stored an electomagnetic cloud

Ironically, Data was never taken over by the Borg.. in fact, he is one of the few things that are immune to assimiliation. Go figure.

I do want to mention the episode "Shades of Grey" which is a bad episode, but it's not horrible in the sense that it was poorly written like the other examples. It's bad because it's a clip episode. It's Star Trek's only clip episode, brought about by the writer's strike of 1988.

I didn't include it in my worst list because.. hey, what are you gonna do when you don't have any writers?



Star Trek Nerds
Submitted Wednesday, July 2, 2008 - 3:34:43 AM by Klaitu

Haven't posted about Star Trek in a long time, so what the heck! For those of you who are "normal people" I'm pulling out a double nerd alert. I've got a list of the top 10 Star Trek Nerds.. these are characters in Star Trek who were the biggest nerds!

Nerds within nerds, it's like MC Escher up in here. Just to pack up the nerdity, I'll be doing this post completely from memory.

Anyways, here we go.

10. Dr. Julian Bashir

This one is the only nerd that is also a regular cast member. You could argue that Spock was a nerd. Maybe that Jadzia Dax or Data, or maybe the EMH were nerds, but all those regular characters pale in comparison to Julian Bashir.

Let's look at the facts: Julian Bashir is a genetically engineered nerd who uses his genetic improvements to stutter and purposefully fail at things so that other people won't suspect that he is genetically enhanced.

He's a nerd who uses his nerd talents to sppear even more nerdy than he actually is. That's pretty bad.

9. Christopher Brynner

Who is Christopher Brynner? Perhaps one of the more obscure Star Trek nerds. Brynner was the founder of Brynner Information Systems, a company that owned several internet channels in 2024. He released a security lockout so that the homeless citizens of San Francisco's Sanctuary District A could tell their story to the public.

That's not what makes him a nerd. Put him in front of Jadzia Dax, and he instantaneously becomes a fuddlefingers who can't put two words together.

Billionaire? Check.
Founder of High-Tech company? Check.
Inabiity to talk to girls? Double check.

8. Nel Apgar

Nel Apgar invented the Kriegar-wave generator. A fancy somewhat underexplained new power source. He subsequently used it in an attempt to kill Commander Riker while he was in a transporter beam.. but the Kriegar wave bounced and ended up killing Apgar in the process.

Nel Apgar is so nerdy that he can't even kill a guy the normal way.. with a gun. He has to concoct some kind of crazy mad scientist experiment to kill Riker in a unique way.. a unique way that will trace itself back to him, since he's the only one who knows how Krieger waves work.

7. Dr. Carol Marcus

The most noted Molecular Biologist of the 23rd century, Carol Marcus was the inventor of the Genesis Device.. a sort of runaway replicator effect that would nearly instantaneously terraform a barren planet into a habitable world by altering its molecular structure. The device would obliterate anything on the planet, including preexisting life, and reform it according to its program. This made it an ideal weapon, as one could simply launch it at an inhabited planet and watch as it destroyed the inhabitants and replaced them with a pristine planet suitable for colonization.

Carol Marcus is also famous for being the mother of Captain James T. Kirk's only son, David Marcus.

She earns a place on the list for not deatroying the Genesis Device when Khan (a very bad guy) makes known that he wants to steal it and use it to kill a ton of people.

6. Dr. Noonien "Often Wrong" Soong

The Federation's foremost authority on Cybernetics. Considered eccentric and hermitish by just about everyone. Noonien Soong is the creator of the Soong-type Android. These include Data, Lore, B-4, and a replica of Juliana Tainer (which was his crowning achievement). The key element of his invention was the Positronic Matrix, which made the Positronic Brain possible.

Soong lived during the 24th century and constructed androids throughout his life. While dying of old age, he was murdered by his own creation, Lore. He took the secret of the Positronic Matrix with him. Starfleet has been studying his research for 40 years, and not even Data was able to create one.

Why is he a nerd? Just listen to him talk, he's like a bad poet.

5. Dr. Ja'Dar

Dr. Ja'Dar invented the Soliton Wave, an energy pulse with so much power that a ship could "surf the wave" at warp speed without having a warp engine of its own. Soliton Waves in theory would be almost 500% more efficient than the warp drive.

Ja'Dar made his soliton breakthrough in the 24th century, but the experiment worked a little too well. The test Soliton wave had so much energy that it would obliterate the planet it was aimed at.

He gets a spot on the list because he manages to invent something that can blow up a planet without realizing it.

4. Dr. Reyga

Dr. Reyga was a ferengi scientist who invented Metaphasic Shielding. The Metaphasic Shield is a device that allows a spacecraft to safely enter a star's corona. He was persecuted because of his scietific background. The Ferengi culture is centered on profit.

Reyga livesd in the 24th century. He was murdered for the secrets of Metaphasic Shielding. He's on the list because he gets like 15 seconds of airtime, but everyone talks about him for 3 episodes.

3. Emory Erickson

Emory Erickson was the inventor of the molecular conveyor, more commonly known as the transporter. That whole "beam me up, Scotty" thing was made possible by him. Erickson was known for taking extreme risks in his transportation experiments. Risks that left him disfigured, and killed his own son.

Erickson lived in both the 21st and 22nd centuries, doing the majority of his work in the 22nd. He correctly determined that the maximum range for a transporter is 44,000 kilometers. A fact that is consistant throughout all Star Trek incarnations.

He's on here because he's a guy who has to run around in a wheelchair because he beamed his spine out the back side of his skin.. on accident.

2. Dr. Richard Daystrom

Richard Daystrom was a computer genius who invented two new forms of computing: The Duotronic Computer and the M-5 Multitronic Unit. The Duotronic computer was one of the most powerful types of computer in Kirk's era, powerful enough to run the Enterprise. The M-5 unit met with less success, it was an electronic representation of the human brain, and as such, had human flaws. Duotronic computers were in use until Star Trek 5, during which time Starfleet began to switch over to the isolinear system.

Richard Daystrom lived in the 23rd century, made his breakthoughs early in life, and lived his later life in relative obscurity. The Daystrom Institure would be named after him.

Dear Richard Daystrom: You are on this list because you have a psyological condition, and you still put your memory engrams into a computer. Way to go, genius.

1. Zefram Cochrane

Zefram Cochrane is the human inventor of the Warp Drive, which is more or less what makes Star Trek's adventures possible. Other cultures had developed warp drive, but Cochrane's designs were considered to be genius.

Cochrane lived in the 21st century. When he was nearing his death, he set a course for deep space in one of his warp ships, and disappeared, never to be seen again.. He actually ended up on a deserted asteroid where his body was maintained by an alien energy being, and he never died... at least not of old age.

Tom Hanks was supposed to play him in Star Trek: First Contact, but his paycheck was roughly half the budget of the entire movie.

But Zefram Cochrane is really on this list because he is the only character ever in Star Trek to play licensed rock and roll music. He's also the only person to use the phrases "take a leak" and "Star Trek" in dialogue.

And on top of that, he's a snappy dresser.