Geriatric Attack Submitted Friday, February 17, 2006 - 10:34:05 PM by Klaitu
It happens to everyone: aging. It happens to me, you, hamsters.. a potato. Everyone. Aging is a natural process, but what comes along with Aging is unnatural. It's not something that happens quickly, it sneaks up on you.
How can you tell that your aging is out of control?
1. You have absolutely no range for television viewing. Sure, you enjoy a good episode of Battlestar Galactica, or Stargate SG-1, but what gets you really salivating is that "awesome" Dog Whisperer show.. and you don't even own a dog.
2. You watch Dr. Phil, Oprah, and Reality TV.. but not just watch, you feel compelled to talk to the screen. I mean, sure, we all yell at the screen sometime, but when you're offering advice to your television because the person displayed on the screen wants to have cosmetic surgery and her mom won't let her, you might be getting a little too into it.
3. When you get together with friends your own age, the topic of conversation turns to the latest prescription drug you're taking. Because this information is important to share in every conversation with a peer. Perhaps they might want to get some of your prescription meds, too!
4. You've lost all patience with everything ever. If someone's not doing something the way you like it, push them out of the way and do it yourself. Be sure to cut loose with some hefty sighs so that people know how miffed you are that the person is not doing things your way.. and never ever explain to them your way, or why you think it's superior.. just do it!
5. You get upset whenever someone asks you questions. It doesn't really matter how or what they're asking.. they're questioning YOU, and by the Lord God Almighty, that's disrespect! Give them a boot up the butt!
6. Johnny Cash songs contain secret messages that only old people can understand. That's right, listen to them repeatedly and you will soon "get" what Johnny Cash was saying all along. If you listen and don't "get it" then it's quite possible you might need to wait a decade or two.
7. You have absolutely no format standards. Black and White is obviously a better medium for a movie than color. And also, Pan-and-scan is obviously far superior to letterbox! Oh, those newfangled TV's? They'll never last!
8. You don't even attempt to be "cool" with your kids anymore. Instead of talking with your kids (who are adults by now because you're so old) you should probably question them as to what their habits are, and if you get an honest answer, you should offer alternative activities that you approve of.. but don't stop there! You have to wholeheartedly expect that your children will take your advice, and when they don't, you should feel personally affronted.
9. Remember, the words "traditional" and "superior" are completely interchangable. Yep, so far as you're concerned, these two words mean the exact same thing!
10. Fingerprints are for criminals only. Nevermind the fact that everyone in the military is fingerprinted. Nevermind the fact that most states have your fungerprints for your driver's license. No sir, you must insist on not being fingerprinted. You're no criminal! Why are they treating you like one? Insist on ignoring any logical arguments to the contrary.. you're old after all, which means you're right!
So, in conclusion.. don't get old. Just age. People around you will be much happier!
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