Present Purchasing! Submitted Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 2:42:08 PM by Klaitu
I dunno how it is around your house, but my entire family is horrible at selecting gifts for one another.. especially my parents. Many a year have they fallen back on the age-old device of giving money or gift certificates as a present.
Gift Giving Rules
It never fails.. year after year you know what I get for christmas? I get about 5 $30 Best Buy cards from various people. During an off year, I will get both Best Buy and Blockbuster cards, which are not compatible, so I have to sell someone the Blockbuster Card so that I have a currency that can be used at Best Buy.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love free money as much as the next guy.. and I'm not going to say that gift cards, or even money is a neccessarily bad gift.. it's just that they're kinda impersonal, and you don't get to keep them. You spend the card, it's gone. The gift you got was replaced by whatever you bought, and there's no memory associated with it. Heck, if I hadn't written an article last year about what I bought with my christmas money, I wouldn't even remember.
So, here's some special Klai-tips for those of you out there who don't know what to give for christmas:
1. Try to avoid items that are perishable. Gift cards, money, Gift Certificates, Food. You use these items once or twice, and then they're gone.
2. Services are perishable, but are not items. Some folks love spa treatments, and since you can't put a spa treatment in a box, you're gonna have to go with a coupon or gift card.
3. Shop for them, not for you. When I go present shopping, it seems like I am always seeing stuff that I would want, but my "subject" would probably not want. Got to stay focussed!
4. Don't give someone something they need. Give them something they want. The best gift is always a pure want, and is something that they thought unattainable, or would never buy for themselves because they couldn't responsibly justify the cost. Gifts that are both "needed" and "wanted" are secondary to pure "want" gifts. Remember, gifts are fun, not a means to compensate for one another's bills.
5. If you're shopping for a female, do not give her bath oils, bath salts, scented candles, or body spray. They are default presents. She's going to get them anyway, so you might as well spend your money on something better.
6. If you ask them, they'll tell you what they want.. but here's a little secret: people don't always know exactly what they want. You can usually find something better than what they want if you look hard enough.. and for goodness sake, DON'T ask them what they want.. Ask their spouse, siblings, or parents (in that order).
7. If you are buying for a young child, do not under any circumstances, for any reason, buy a toy that makes loud electronic noises. You not only torture the parents, you torture everyone in the room when they open it, which usually includes yourself, you sadist!
The Perfect Gift
Here's a story from Christmas Past: In 1989 I was a huge Star Trek fan. My uncle (the Ecuador one) gave me what is, quite possibly, the best gift I have ever received. It was a 2 foot model of the Constitution Class Enterprise-A (Kirk's ship). It wasn't just any model, though.. it was a model from a kit that he had assembled and painted, and the paint was accurate. Unfortunately, it hasn't survived intact through the years, but I still have it and the various pieces. Maybe one day I will be able to repair it (I've tried a half-dozen times).
This was a totally awesome gift because: A. It's something I loved B. It's something unique C. Even as a kid, I could tell he put effort into it D. It revealed part of his personality, and E. It will forever remind me of him.
Over the years, I've gotten a lot of nice things from people, and a lot of really great gifts. That one just sticks out in my mind, because I think it is probably the first amazing gift I ever received.
If you can find something like that, it trumps all other gifts, so go for it. Don't worry if you can't pull it off, though.. it's not something you can do consistantly year after year.
The Good Gift
If the Perfect Gift isn't an option this year, go for something that is "woah, that rocks" good. With time, the memory of how they got the gift, and who gave it to them may fade, but they will continue to enjoy it for many years. I should guess that the vast majority of good non-certificate gifts fall into this category. Try to hit as many of the "perfect gift" rules as you can!
The Adequate Gift
Adequate gifts are "Hey, at least you got me something" category. Nobody aims for this tier, and you really only get Adequate gifts if they screw up getting you a good gift. It's uaually a good gift, but it just doesn't mesh with who you are. An example: One year I wanted "Flashback", a game for Sega Genesis. Instead, I got "Back to the Future", a game for PC. I had fun with Back to the Future, but it was no Flashback. Gift certificates and perishables are on the line between "good" and "adequate" so if you're pretty sure you're gonna end up with an adequate, you might want to wuss out and go for the gift card.. but only use that as a last resort.
The Sucky Gift
The Sucky gift is usually given to you by distant relatives, or by your parent's grandparents. People who you have hardly ever met, or see maybe once a year, and are obliged to give you a gift, but have no clue who you are. Let me tell you, I have received my fair share of sucky gifts. What makes a sucky gift?
Socks, underwear, generic clothing (specific clothing is ok), boring ties, pajamas, flimsy toys, loud toys, cheap figurines, air fresheners, and cheap car accessories are among the things you will find in this list. Don't even consider buying a Sucky Gift. You have to AIM to get a sucky gift, so don't do it! You're better off saving your money and giving no gift at all.
Many times the Sucky Gift applies to children. The "Gifter" has bought something that the parent will appreciate, but the child will hate. Remember the bunny suit in "A Christmas Story"? It's not a joke, that actually happens! Don't let yourself give that crap! Especially to children. I had a great aunt who gave me socks every year until she died. I don't even remember her name, but I knew she gave me crappy socks over and over. Don't let that be your epitaph!
Gift Choosing
Choosing a gift is all about people. Who are they? What's their personality? What are their dreams? When are they happiest?
Category 1: Cats
Holy crap! I mentioned pets! Am I insane? WTF?
Here's the deal, do you own a cat? I do. If you have a christmas tree, your cat is gonna pee on it, particularly if this is his first Christmas. Christmas trees emit pine smell, which means that a cat needs a super-anti smell to mark their territory. Pee it is.
So, the best gift you can give your cat is to pay a lot of attention to him, as much as you possibly can during the holiday season. If your kitty doesn't feel threatened by the tree, there will be no pee! This is really a gift you give yourself, because you have no idea how hard it is to clean off a peed tree. It's pretty much impossible. (set it outside until it happens to rain.. which is uncommon because it usually snows in December)
Category 2: The Pushover
The Pushover is usually attention-starved. Maybe they have no family, or they live alone.. heck, maybe they're just really ugly and live in a belltower. Whatever the reason, nobody ever pays attention to them.. so they'll be happy with just about whatever they get, because of the attention you gave them in getting them a gift. They are usually co-workers.
Single moms can fall into this category easily, especially divorced single moms, or other women who have been mistreated by their male counterparts. Men can be pushovers too, but it's less likely.
For Men: Buckets of popcorn, candy, Christmas cards
For Women: Music Boxes, Cheap Jewelry, Christmas cards
Category 3: The Denialist
The Denialist is usually the toughest person to shop for, because you have to get them something great despite themselves. So, what's the deal with the Denialist? Well, they're basically an Active form of the pushover. They need attention, and so they tell you that they don't want a gift, but secretly hope that you get them one anyways. When you deliver one, it makes them happy because it reaffirms their self-esteem, which in itself is a gift.
This one is tricky, because a Denialist secretly belongs in some other category, but you don't know which one unless you really scrutinize them.
Category 4: The Technocrat
The Technocrat is into electronics. There's all sorts of Technocrats (I'm one!) you've got the gamers, the music lovers, the movie lovers.. you've got the PC nuts, computer freaks, photography people.. Basically, they want stuff that usues electricity.. or something that goes into something that uses electricity.
If you're not a Technocrat, they're hard to shop for. If you are a Technocrat, this is a shoe-in gift.
For Men and Women: Video Games, CD's, DVD's, Digital Cameras
Category 5: The Utilitarian
This is the kind of person that, if you were to ask them what they wanted, they would say "Give me money so I can pay my bills!". We know better than to do that, though. If we gave them money, they'd blow it all on bills, and the gift would cease to exist in any meaningful sense.
The Utilitarian needs something that they enjoy, but will be useful to them. The gift is usually an appliance.
For Men and Women: Fancy Coffee machines, Car Stereo, Computerized Thermostat, certificates for free car servicing, household flourescent lightbulbs, coffee tumblers, furniture
Category 6: The Collector
Collectors are in themselves rare. Ironic, no? Collectors collect.. crap. Stamps, thimbles, acrylic angels, elephants, nutcrackers, stuffed animals.. whatever.
Their gifts are pretty simple: get them an example of whatever it is they collect. The trick is getting something that they don't already have.
Category 7: The Children
Do you have any idea what the coolest toys are this Christmas? Neither do I! It's easy enough to find out.. in fact, I think that's the whole reason that the mall santa was invented. "What did you tell santa?" Then the kid spills the beans, never the wiser. Those of us who are less nefarious simply need to ask the kids siblings, or the kids parents.
Childrens gifts are never constant, except for the fact that they are always toys or video games. Avoid the cheap-level gifts, as kids can obtain those on their own throughout the course of the normal year. Christmas is the kids opportunity to get the "mega-whopper" gift that seems unattainable. If needed, combine your purchasing power with the kids parents to get that mega-cool expensive thing.
I'm referring to older children of course. Children under 4 basically are oblivious to their surroundings, and have no idea that Christmas is even happening.
Young kids (4ish and under): Throw em a plastic kitchenette set, plastic tool set, or large plastic vehicle.
Older kids (5 and up): Follow the trends. For this year, the "Bratz" dolls have overtaken Barbie as the doll of choice for little girls. For boys, you're gonna want action figures.. GI Joe is making a resurgance currently.
Concluding
People usually don't fall neatly into any of those categories.. you might have a Denialist Technocrat Collector on your hands, just go with whichever seems to fit the best. Most people have an overriding propensity toward one category or another. If you're having trouble getting a gift for someone, it probably means that you don't know them all that well. There just isn't any way around that, except to get to know them better.
I'm going to be back later on with some really nifty gift ideas for anyone on your Christmas list, so stay tuned.. and whatever you do, stay away from Nero's soap!
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